Having three busy, active and incredibly frustrating children under 6, I live for my alone time. I love my kids more than the world and I love my time with them, but those moments at the end of the day where I can sit on my front porch and write my blog (as I am doing right now) or read a book or take on a comatose state while the neighbours walk by gossiping and pointing, is pure bliss. No one is climbing on me, kneeing me in my mons pubis, pulling out my hair at the root or using their razor-sharp daggers to rip me a hole in my armpit. Those are true stories.
My second favourite time of day is when I crawl into my comfortable messed-up bed and lay my sweet (yes I am calling myself sweet) head down on the cool pillow. A lot of times I am woken up ten minutes into the first phase of sleep by some child needing something, but that moment is dreamy, seriously. But, if you’ve been reading my blog, you already know that sleep is so important to me. The problem is that I need the conditions to be ultra-perfect for me to fall asleep. I need relative darkness, complete quiet, the blankets off of my feet and absolutely no touching. I am not one of those girls who sleeps “in the nook” of her man’s body. Cuddling to sleep is completely out of the question. You know those women who complain about men who orgasm and then fall asleep? Mr. UndertheCovers is extremely grateful that we share the ability to do this together.
I know an Undercover Mama who says middle of the night half-awake sex is the best sex you can have. She won’t be in the mood at all before bed – too tired, turned-off, or just plain not into it – but if he wakes her up about an hour after she falls asleep she gets down and dirty, and then goes back to sleep.
I think she’s mad.
Once I am asleep, unless you need are a being who survives by breast milk alone, do not wake me up. My answer to your question of sex has not changed just because I am sleeping peacefully on the other side of the bed. Unconscious or not, the answer is still no!
So, I am completely dumbfounded that after seven years of sleeping in the same bed, Mr. UndertheCovers will still wake me up for some midnight loving. How many times does he need an elbow to the jaw to realize that just isn’t happening? I don’t know if he is having a naughty dream and would like me to participate or he thinks that I won’t know the difference. I myself have had wet dreams and slapped my own hand away. Sleep and sex just do not mix. Period. Speaking of that, I know this blog post sounds super bitchy, and that probably is because I am super bitchy. My baby is nine months old and still no sign of my fertility returning, except that I seem to have a month-long case of PMS. Either that or I am pregnant. And considering this, that would be an awkward conversation.